Archive for January, 2013

An Anniversary

Where does the time go? How can it already be a year since Dad died? Seriously. It still feels like just yesterday – on my way to our weekly staff meeting when the phone rang and it’s Nannette on the line. The terror in her voice. I knew. Before she got 5 words out, I knew. I couldn’t think or breathe, much less drive. I nearly crashed my Tahoe. Then, it all sorta seemed surreal. Driving back to work. Sitting in the church parking lot, trying to get it together. Walking in and telling everyone that “I’m pretty sure my Dad just died”.

Then, calling Lisa. Waiting for the kids to get home from school to break the news to them. All the tears, them wailing uncontrollably. Me too. Part of me died that day. I’m sure of it. I hate it, but I know it’s true. I’ve lost a little of the sparkle in my eye and I feel like I aged 10 years in an instance.

I’m adjusting, I guess…whatever that means. But Cowboys games don’t mean the same thing anymore. Neither does golfing, Spring Creek BBQ, or hearing my cell phone ring. Dad was always good for at least 5-10 calls a week and there was always a good chance it was him every time it rang. Man, I miss hearing his voice. More than just his voice, I miss what his voice would say — Like, “I’m so proud of you” or “I really miss you” or “How’ve you been doing with your headaches? How’s your back? You really should call that doctor and let him know….”. One thing was certain, Dad cared. It’s not that other people DON’T care, but it’s just different. He cared like a Dad does for his son. And I was his only son. He was my constant. He was my sounding board. He was my confidant. He isn’t here anymore.

A couple of days ago, my sweet daughter called me at work to tell me she had a dream about Grandaddy, and that she talked to him in Heaven. She had quite the detailed account of their “conversation” and assured me that he wanted me to know that he loves me and that he’s doing good in Heaven. She told him that she wished Grandmommy would smile more and he told her she would very soon. Well, she’s finally getting that bad knee replaced next week, so hopefully she will be soon enough! As hard as his passing has been for me, I know it’s exponentially harder for Mom. Together for 48+ years and gone all of a sudden. I can’t imagine. But Mom is so strong, it’s amazing. God is giving her the strength she needs every day. Just wish I could be there for her more. Especially tomorrow.

A year. An anniversary. Anniversaries are for celebrating, right?

I don’t feel like celebrating. But I will. I will celebrate the fact that this hurts so much. Because the impact Dad had on my life- our close relationship – is what makes this hurt so much; what makes me miss him like crazy. Most people don’t ever know that kind of closeness we shared, and for that I am truly grateful. Truly.

I hope to one day be missed by my wife and children the way he has been over this past year and will continue to be.

Love you, Dad. I know you’re in the BEST place, not just a “better” place. We miss you. I miss you. Feel free to call or write or pop up in a dream whenever it’s convenient!

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